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Hawk Docket: CONTACT!

July 11, 2007

The details here refer to the previous post, “Groans.”

My awaited instructions have come in. PAWS person Cindy called this morning. She said it was in the best interest of the bird for me to bring it to Lynnwood.

I assured Cindy that I could not do that, that I have health issues that preclude my driving that far. She stressed the best interest of the bird to the point where I very nearly invoked “seizures,” since, very technically, most experts agree that ocular migraines are nerve seizures, and, in fact, these have revisited my life lately. Ultimately, Cindy referred me to Renton Animal Hospital, which is half the distance to Lynnwood, but still too far for me.

I called Renton Animal Hospital, and spoke to a nice lady who assured me they very much wanted our wounded hawk and would treat its damaged wing. All I needed to do was bring the bird to Renton. I explained I could not do this. She immediately grasped my inadequacy, and referred me to the volunteer coordinator, one Monica, at my local humane society. She said Monica would have someone there transport the hawk to Renton. This meant a 10-minute drive on my part would have the bird on her way to Renton for repair. I loved the plan at once.

I called the Humane Society, listened to a pitch and several menus for about three minutes, waited for a receptionist who must have wondered what on earth I could possibly want, since their menus and pitches cover everything, and asked for Monica. The receptionist paged Monica, and I stayed on hold while I made the bed, ate breakfast, and cleaned up. The receptionist returned to the phone and put me through to Monica’s voicemail. I listened to a two- or three-minute pitch for volunteers, and left a message. It turns out that Monica is one of those people who is seen in the building, then is not seen. She is seen out of the building and then not seen. She doesn’t respond to pages. She doesn’t check voicemail. She is Important.

I loaded the crated hawk into the car and took her to the Humane Society without securing prior clearance from Monica. I’d never been there before; our Cat has a far more glorious origin.

I was overcome by doggy fumes and doggy barking. The warrior party was amassing, thrumming the nerves of my scalp. If I didn’t leave very, very soon, it would seize dominion over my left eye.

I asked for Monica. The intake tech paged her. I said I’d leave the bird, who was to be sent to Renton Animal Hospital, that this bird was expected, that I had spoken with Cindy of PAWS. This invoked enormous authority: clearly I was well connected. About 37 minutes of holding, waiting for people to come or not come to the phone, had paid off. I refused to provide my name, address, and telephone number, and the intake tech said this was acceptable, since the hawk was wildlife and not a dog.

Miraculously, Lady Hawk’s eyes remained bright throughout all of this. She should be en route now, under escort directed by best-interest-of-the-bird people with awesome authority, to a veterinary hospital for a wing job. The hawk is off my docket.

No federal agents have shown up. I see from an email that a thoughtful friend may have already sent me a card in care of Leavenworth. Maybe they’ll return it and just keep my name for future reference. Otherwise, they’ll just keep it, anticipating my arrival.

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9 Comments
  1. July 11, 2007 12:17 pm

    Excellent work, Agent DS51. Textbook operation: Talons transfered without a trace.

    Mayhaps the ladyhawk will soar and have her groans rewarded.

  2. July 11, 2007 1:43 pm

    Aye, Commander. Navigation of the hurt bird dynasty successful. I await my next assignment. Anything but Costco.

  3. July 11, 2007 2:17 pm

    No kidding about the twin language. :D

    This was a charming story! to read. I am sorry that the charm was lacking for you at many points.

  4. scribbles2day permalink
    July 11, 2007 3:09 pm

    So this is what is meant by ‘big’ government? That it is merely a ‘big’ beurocracy cloud. Clearly they do not give a hoot about your hawk, and they do not care one wit about you. Well, of course we should not be surprised…
    Glad you stuck it out and went the extra mile! Hopefully they will not mistake the catfood for the animal type!

  5. scribbles2day permalink
    July 11, 2007 3:31 pm

    Costco heard about a certain bird rescuer and I gave them your name.

  6. July 11, 2007 3:31 pm

    This isn’t government though; it’s the Volunteer Dynasty of the private sector. But they’re mirror images.

  7. scribbles2day permalink
    July 11, 2007 5:53 pm

    As in the ‘liberal’ volunteer dynasty? The false kingdom?

  8. kamelda permalink
    July 13, 2007 3:27 pm

    oooh false kingdom theory. Sounds like an interpration of Revelation for the book I’m writing. A certain forthcoming wedding will usher in the apocalpyse: the couple will microwave Mormon prophets and alien invaders in Utah….

    But I actually opened up the comments to comment that you have the most Uncle Wigglyish adventures Lauren.

  9. kamelda permalink
    July 13, 2007 3:28 pm

    It’s all very literal by the way. everything else is allegory.

    interpretation, that is.

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