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What I could say I would not

September 22, 2007
tags: ,

I know I’m the Queen of Blurts. I know I’ve said millions of incompletely considered things to friends. When I receive in kind, it’s more than well deserved. But for the light side of the record, these are some of the things people have said to me lately, along with what I’m thinking as I hear or read them.

From the health professional set

“You could keel over with a heart attack in the parking lot when you leave here!”

You have Kool-Aid on your chin.  Besides, I parked on the street.

“You’re pre-diabetic!”

Yeah, I got in line to be diabetic 30 years ago but just couldn’t seem to move up. Guess I need to try harder.

From friends, neighbors, &c.

“I’ve never seen you before with big black circles under your eyes.”

It’s a new look I’m trying out that I saw in Vogue. Bela Lugosi inspired it. I’m trying to get it more natural. I think another smidge of purple rouge will bring the tone up.

“I thought you must be sick. You didn’t open your blinds when you usually do. I set my watch by your opening your blinds.”

I just couldn’t face the sight of your house this morning. I really couldn’t. Maybe you should get an atomic clock.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Damn. I must be dying.

Email from a sometime friend: “I heard you weren’t feeling well, but could I just ask you a question about the Fair Housing Act? You see, my landlord….”

I’ll send you a brochure on real estate opportunities in the Solomon Islands.

“You don’t look like yourself.”

That’s because I just came from a face swap with Paris Hilton.

“How are you feeling?”

Like not having this conversation.

“You don’t have to reply if you’re too tired.”

I know.

“When will you get over this?”

Five days to life.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I have adrenal fatigue.”

“How do you get that?”

Unsafe sex.

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6 Comments
  1. scribbles2day permalink
    September 23, 2007 6:46 pm

    Calamity Jane lowers the rifle as the Western breeze carries the trail of smoke from view.

    However, the Comanche helicopter overhead continues to drop spent shells onto the dusty street from the Vulcan cannon gatling gun until it finally spins to a stop. The smoke and the dust clear. Bodies are seen everywhere and the PA system under the copter comes alive: “Any questions?”

    A wounded, bleeding man painfully raises his arm. “I’ ve got one!”

    Quadruple smileys!!!!

  2. September 24, 2007 9:04 am

    Since I saw myself in there at least twice, I guess I will never speak to you again. I know my comments are often ill-advised…I guess pregnancy has messed with my perception more than I thought.

    I comfort myself that my comments at least are not in the callous-jabs-about-your-appearance category.

  3. September 24, 2007 9:44 am

    You’re hallucinating! You’re not there! Besides, I would never hold anything she said against a pregnant redhead!

    Anyway it’s more about how touchy I am than how ill-advised anyone else is. But my neighbor really needs to get an atomic clock–and a life.

  4. September 24, 2007 9:49 am

    Okay. In that case I re-assert us to speaking, or at least commenting, terms.

    Love you!

  5. September 24, 2007 9:55 am

    What a relief!

    Did you know that humans have 56 hormones, and that “hormone” is from a Greek word meaning “set into action,” and that between us we are probably maxed out on a fair number of stabilizing endocrine interfaces? Calcium uptake alone could account for these sorts of potential misunderstandings. Add cortisol and estrogen and it’s as Calvin said, “It is only by the grace of God that we are not all imbeciles.”

  6. heidi permalink
    September 25, 2007 4:55 pm

    I thought saw myself in there at least once but it was worth the silent retort. This is too funny Lauren. I love it. I shall post it beside my bed and set my body systems by it.

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