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incremental mercies

October 23, 2007

I knew my friend would understand. I had to make the only sort of call I ever seem to make.

“I’m sorry, I can’t go. I’ve become too tired…could we try next week?” I didn’t need to explain what happens, why I get tired, why I never know which days I will be hyper and which days laid out in Flatline City. She’s up to speed on all that. But I stayed on the line longer than I meant to. She’s a good listener. Five kids will do that to a woman.

Then, without tears, without clenched jaw, I could finally say, “My life has changed forever now. Thus saith the Lord. He’s always given me something new when he’s made me to give something up. He’s fought for me. He’s won. I don’t have to fight this. All I have to do is keep showing up.”

I don’t even have to show up perfectly. Clothed and in my right mind is good enough.

I know the tears and clenched jaw will likely return. Addison’s won’t go away; arthritis and fibromyalgia won’t either, and there will be more Things to attend should I be blessed with days to attend Them.

I hate getting blood tests. I doubt the cortisol monitoring gigs will become a cheerful routine for quite a while. But I think the unclenching that surpasses understanding will return sooner and remain longer each time I forget that I haven’t really lost anything, after all.

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One Comment
  1. October 24, 2007 7:45 am

    Amen. Providentially, the Psalm I read this morning was 104. Near the end:

    That thou givest them they gather: thou openest thine hand, they are filled with good.

    Thou hidest thy face, they are troubled: thou takest away their breath, they die, and return to their dust.

    Thou sendest forth thy spirit, they are created: and thou renewest the face of the earth.

    The glory of the LORD shall endure for ever: the LORD shall rejoice in his works.

    He looketh on the earth, and it trembleth: he toucheth the hills, and they smoke.

    I will sing unto the LORD as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.

    My meditation of him shall be sweet: I will be glad in the LORD.

    Psalm 104: 28-30, 33-34.

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