According to this amusing children’s game, I’ve been dead for 53.1 years
Play Planet Slayer! Test your sustainability skills with Professor Schpinkee’s Greenhouse Calculator: Find out when you should die!
Yes, you can play the latest sustainability game, courtesy of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. After answering all the moronic questions calculated to make you aware that you are a “greenhouse pig,” you are given the age you should die at [sic], so you “don’t use more than your fair share of Earth’s resources.”
You know, there’s a lot of really sick stuff on the Internet, and the Aussies have really taken it over the top here. The game looks like a kids’ game, so kids will play it. They’ll be amused when they find out they should die at the age of 3.8. But kids don’t drive cars or know the amount or source of the electricity they use. The game is designed for adults with a mental age of 3.8, by adults with a mental age of 3.8.
The game assumes, of course, that everyone has the same physical abilities to get around without a car, the same needs to go nowhere ever, the same financial provisions to get around with a fuel-efficient car designed to kill you if you collide with a raccoon, the same indoor temperature requirements…in other words, the game assumes that we’re all alike. The self-appointed defenders of the planet uniformly despise individual differences.
The questions are weighted to skew the test a little to the left of Karl Marx. The questions about cars and fuel consumption don’t bloat the pig so much. The test favors actually gas guzzler cars, because if you drive one, you aren’t spending money on other things, like a new car, that impact the environment simply by being manufactured. “Huh?” you say, and rightfully so.
Comrade Schpinkee’s message is that spending very little money and investing in “ethical investments,” or “businesses that make environmentally responsible products” will enable you to live forever. The highest impact you can make is with your spending. According to the “Science Behind the Questions,” the key to your planetary impact is how you spend your money. I propose to call this “science,” eco-environmental gnosticism.
A 12-year-old boy named Jake called in to The David Boze Show, where David was discussing the Planet Slayer Greenhouse Calculator Test.
Jake reported that he answered the questions with as minimal an environmental impact as he thought would be possible. When he hit the skull and crossbones button to get his score, the little pig floated away and the screen said, “You can live forever!” Jake pointed out to David and his entire audience that this sounded like a pagan religion that promises salvation through asceticism and good works. David asked him whether he was homeschooled or went to a private school. Jake said he attends a Catholic school.
Answering all the questions in the worst possible environmental light, the pig bloats up and explodes, and splat, you’re dead, at age 1.2.
When I took the test, of course, the pig showed up as a bloody splotch, looking pretty big for age 3.8. Oh well.