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Implosion Countdown: Mall of America

March 9, 2009

Last week it was Wolverine trailers. Now I am distracted with the armchair exploration of the 96.4-acre Mall of America, even though it is in New Jersey, a place that has never been on my wish list.

Commending New Jersey the last time I was there was the simple fact of its having cheaper hotels than New York, and the ease of hopping the PATH train to go to New York to eat in non-smoking restaurants. That was in 1997; I have no idea what, if anything, commends New Jersey now.

What 520 retailers hope is that the Mall of America will commend New Jersey to enough people to pay for the overhead of a shopping plexus one-fifth the size of Monaco.

Mall of America has all the usual amenities, except that they are all in one mall. It has places to shop, places to eat, places to gorge on completely unnecessary junk, and fat kids standing around a candy court that looked like it occupied about an acre. I didn’t see anything about a diabetes testing station.

Sinking Titans are well represented: Bloomingdale’s, Nordstrom, and Sears. And a 14-screen cineplex, an amusement park, and miniature golf are on hand to entertain the wretched masses when shopping gets to be a drag.

TIME has a great photo essay on the Mall of America.  I think it’s a great photo essay because the photographer had an eye for the same sorts of pictures I might have taken had I any interest whatever in going to a mall one-fifth the size of Monaco, with 520 stores and fat kids hanging around a candy court.

But bother the candy greed. This is the quintessence of RBT–Really Bad Timing. I mean, really: Hello? Has anyone representing the 520 El-Glitzo stores in the Mall of America looked at the financial charts of Bloomingdale’s or Nordstrom or Sears lately, and compared them to, say, Wal-Mart’s?

“For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it?” (Luke 14:28)

My husband started watching the Mortgage Lender Implode-o-Meter
two years ago. Maybe I’ll start a Mall of America Implode-o-Meter. Or maybe I’ll distract myself with an X-Men DVD from the library.

  1. Shawn permalink
    June 17, 2009 6:03 am

    I’m Confused. The Mall of America is in Minnesota. Is there a different mall in NJ?


  2. June 17, 2009 7:17 am


    Yup. I think it’s a type of cultural metastasis.

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