Skip to content — and other scenes we’d like to see

September 28, 2009
The end of the Luzon Building's era

The end of the Luzon Building's era

In fondly recalling Mad Magazine‘s “Scenes We’d Like to See” feature, I submit the following scenes I would like to see.

A Snotty Sneeze Czarina

Sneeze Czarina and Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, whose salary is $191,400, recently taught the nation how to sneeze correctly. We all knew that we could save thousands of lives by washing our hands before and after doing obvious things. But who knew the hygienically mannered way to sneeze? Sec. Sibelius demonstrated this deft maneuver. She raised her dainty forearm before her face and sneezed delicately onto her suit-jacket sleeve. Tip: before attempting this maneuver at home, purchase stock in a company that manufactures chemicals used in the dry cleaning industry.

A Panhandler Gives Back

Take One: The panhandler shakes his paper cup containing an inch or so of dimes, nickels, and pennies, inches from the face of a passerby. The passerby looks into the cup, scoops out some change, says “thanks,” and walks on.

Whole Foods Market Bathroom Door Code Blog

Whole Foods Market protects its customers, but first they must prove they are customers. The secret code permitting access to the restroom is printed on your receipt. If you had to walk there, or if it took you half an hour to find a place to park, or if you drove up from Tacoma, or if you stopped at Starbucks on the way — well, tough. Here is an opportunity for small-bladder altruists to publish something of significant public interest. Code update intervals are a proprietary corporate secret, so daily research is necessary.

Worthwhile Reading

We’d like to see a bookstore the size of Elliott Bay Book Company stocked full of nothing but books that would still be worth reading in twenty years. Or even one year. Or even until you get home.

Just Say No to Arugula

The scene we’d like to see is an orderly flow of traffic on a broad interstate highway, every car sporting a bumper sticker declaring, I HATE ARUGULA.

Tacoma’s Luzon Building is Rubble

And this I lived to see. The six-story, 119-year-old unreinforced brick, wood, asbestos, and iron proto-skyscraper and former home of The Golden Chopsticks was an eyesore that made downtown Tacoma’s Pacific Avenue look weary of life. In a city where new construction is halted in mid-stage for lack of financing, some preservationists nevertheless found it conscionable to try to save the Luzon. This of course they tried to do with other people’s money. The bulldozer got the contract. Many people wonder how the Luzon stood so long. Some posited the phenomenon was due to the miraculous adhesive properties of rodent and pigeon dung.

One Comment
  1. September 28, 2009 10:49 am

    This made me laugh — too true to ridiculously bizarre reality.

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