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AmeriCare Manual

February 4, 2010

Welcome to Americare, the finest, largest, and now only healthcare Corporation in the world. And remember, we are always shooting for the stars, too.

Before Americare, people were dying in the streets. Their hapless corpses were tossed into death wagons to be carted off by sick horses on their way to the glue factory. And that was just in America. Anyone who denies this historical fact is uninformed, hyperbolic, and anti-Corporate.

Now, under Americare, all of that has changed. Quality and equality have arrived at the world’s healthcare door. Here at Americare, we know what Americans need. We have done studies. Many, many studies. And we know what is good for all Americans, regardless of race, creed, socioeconomic status, health condition, and personal preference.

First, a few pointers. Americans don’t know what is good for them. They hear the word “corporation” and think the word means “impersonal.” But Americare is anything but impersonal. At Americare, we care about every personal aspect, every detail of social and family history, and every word spoken by every corporate patron. We care about this so much that we will preserve all of it for all time. This enables us to share all of this precious personal information with other corporations having concerns equal to our own about our patrons. This is for the good of every American. And of course, as everyone knows, what is good for every American is good for everyone in the world.

Whenever you hear a patron use the word “personal,” you should immediately deflect the discussion to the corporate, and repeat the word “corporate” until the patron learns to mimic you. This may take time, but you can shorten this time. Patrons often do not feel well. They become stressed easily. You can use this to advantage. Simply say something like, “If you are going to be like this, no one is going to want to help you.” This will immediately cause the patron to return his attention to the fact that he needs help, and he will become much more tractable. Then you can repeat what you want him to understand, which is the very core of the Americare ethos.

You want him to understand that your time, not the patron’s, is valuable. You want him to understand that you have many other patrons to see, and that they all deserve your time, especially the present moment, more than he does. You want him to understand that his problems need not be your problems. You want him to understand that you do not have to help him at all. And above all, you want him to understand that whether you do or not, he is already obligated to pay a substantial sum of money simply for crossing the threshold of the Americare healthcare door.

Once you have completed your Americare training, you will never want to work anywhere else again. You will never be able to work anywhere else again. You will be brain-dead. The Corporation has found in repeated studies that brain-death is necessary for effective corporate healthcare employees.

Once again, welcome to Americare, and may God bless America.

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One Comment
  1. February 4, 2010 8:22 pm

    “regardless of…personal preference.”
    How wise this policy is. For, as you have implied, opposition to this awesome system just boils down to stubborn preference. A preference for what used to be simply because it used to be. Silly children. The Motherland knows best.

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